I was cleaning up our younger son's stuff from years ago - yeah, without his help. Legos, photos, early generation Nintendos, a message from a Holocaust survivor (from a school presentation), memories of times gone by, apparitions of a young man who will never be the WOW! that you envisioned. Smiles, rueful thoughts, flares of regret. Then the tears of disappointment, of never fulfilled potential, again hit me.
Mental illness in a loved one sucks. Damn, too bad I already graced Mr. Treadmill with 43 minutes of my best self. Now have to deal with the moment, or again hide away.
I think the prog-rock group Yes captures tonight well:
"Don't surround yourself with yourself
Move on back two squares
Send an instant comment to me
Initial it with loving care."
No, I really don't expect 99% of folks reading this post to understand my feelings, my pain and true anger. But I know you can understand disappointment, loving perseverance and never-ending hope.
As Yes says, "... I'm on my way." Toward patience, toward hope and - holy #$^! - maybe toward some kind of enlightenment. Mental illness is devastating both to the person and their loved ones, but if you're in the fight you never drop your guard and you never give up. Because you've then given up on yourself too.
Now smile. Because we're talking about another day, an average day, and even being here to to think about its merits is a flippin' miracle straight from God.
Back to Yes, to affirmation, to just hanging in there:
"And one peculiar point I see,
As one of many ones of me.
As truth is gathered, I rearrange,
Inside out, outside in, inside out, outside in,
Perpetual change."
(Sorry, non-Yes fans, this post is a bunch of hooey, huh?!)
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